21 Things I Want in a Lover

Every now and then one comes to a realization of one of life's great truths as if there were such things. Raised in a culture that celebrates romantic love and fed on literature that worships soul mates, we believe that our perfect match is out there, and it's just a matter of meeting that person. Perhaps, that is true, but I find it highly unlikely, and it is even more unlikely that one will ever meet that person if, in fact, he does exist. Still, it's a highly romantic notion, and so we indulge it--if we could just find him! then we will be complete. That is the premise of the beautiful song "Origin of Love," though I believe the primary human condition is aloneness (not to be confused with loneliness), but perhaps that's just the solipsist in me. I also like that we believe that true love triumphs over all even though love of all sorts--passionate, familial--is as often destructive as not. Is there any proof that love is inherently good? Harold Bloom happily reminds us that the Macbeths are the happiest married couple in all of Shakespeare. Speaking of marriage, I've always found it to be a business arrangement, first and foremost. It's the primary reason I think that gay marriage hasn't been widely granted. It's not because the general public can't stomach the thought of two men or two women together--though that may be part of the case--or even religious--whatever the rhetoric--but because marriage is a sign of power with its various rights and privileges (tax breaks, inheritance, visitation rights, etc.). It's the same reason that slaves couldn't get married either. A sort of Foucauldian power struggle if you will. On a side note, there's a scene in Eyes Wide Shut where a man is talking to Nicole Kidman and he tells her something to the effect that the only reason women got married back in the day was so that they could then sleep with whomever they wanted. I've always liked that notion that marriage is a business arrangement separate from love affairs. But I digress. In one of my favorite songs by Alanis Morissette, she lists the twenty-one things she wants in a lover--not necessarily needs but the qualities that she prefers. I've been thinking about my own list, and it starts with a variation of the desert island question. Dr. P once remarked that he married his wife in part because she loved the film Raising Arizona, and that if she hadn't the relationship would have ended. So I've started with the tastes I would want to share when it came to books, movies, music, etc. The rules are you only get to choose one item from each genre where compatibility is essential though it may differ from your personal favorite or desert island choice. Again, this perfect person probably doesn't exist, but isn't it pretty to think so?

NOVEL I've chosen novel over book because I like the idea of a work of fiction representing a facet of a person. My novel would be To the Lighthouse by Virginia Woolf. One of my favorite novels, this stream-of-consciousness work perfectly captures the minutiae of daily life making it one of the seminal modernist novels.

FILM I'm a film buff, and I think that the films one has in one's personal collection says a great deal about his character. The film I've chosen, naturally, is The Hours directed by Stephen Daldry. A drama centered on characters instead of plot, it has so many things that I love: Meryl Streep, Virginia Woolf, literature, life, loss, and the transcendental moments that change our lives.

PLAY | MUSICAL Ideally, this would be based on a live staged production, but we no longer live in an age of ideals, at least not the Wildean one. So this may be a musical or play in any format you like: live, the book, a film version, or the soundtrack. Mine would be the play Angels in America written by visionary Tony Kushner and the brilliant miniseries directed by Mike Nichols. In the best of all possible worlds, Angels would be required American reading because it has everything in it: sex, religion, politics, and America.

ALBUM I haven't entirely decided on the rules here. Should best of collections or soundtracks be allowed? Maybe but it should be a single disc. I would choose Little Earthquakes Extended by Tori Amos. Earthquakes is Tori's seminal album. It remains her most accessible and her best. The extended edition includes four B-sides: "Upside Down," "Flying Dutchman." "Take to the Sky," and "Sweet Dreams." In real-life we may make mixed CDs of our favorite songs and artists, but that's not part of this game. Anyway, Earthquakes was a transformative album for me, and there's nary a song on it that I don't like.

TELEVISION "TV knows everything." Also, it's our true national pastime. I love television, and I don't think I could be with a person who didn't. Here you have to choose an entire television series. I have at least five, but the one that matters the most is The West Wing even though I haven't yet seen the final season. Still, the first four seasons alone are some of the best TV ever seen on network television. Yes, it's political porn, but that's part of why it's so good. What I love the most about this series is the characters--what I've learned is that what matters most to me in any novel, film, series is the characters--especially the women: C.J. Cregg, Donna Moss, Abigail Bartlet, and Amy Gardner. The men are pretty great too. Furthermore, the writing is excellent, the drama is earnest, and it's hysterically funny--more so than many sitcoms. Any show that can make jokes out of syllogisms and dangling modifiers gets instant respect from me.

POETRY I just added this category, and I'm not sure what to do with it. I think we should allow selected and completed works as well as books published by the poet, but anthologies are too easy. I can't decided what mine would be. The Waste Land by T.S. Eliot would be my desert island choice, but I'm not sure if that's the criterion I want to select. Perhaps I would choose the extant handful of Emily Bronte's poems. Or the poems of Emily Dickinson, Christina Rossetti, or Octavio Paz. Obviously, I need to read more poetry, but for now I suppose I will settle for The Waste Land.

I can't think of any more categories of media for now, except perhaps visual art but that seems like an entirely too messy genre to contemplate right now. I couldn't even begin to choose a favorite painter, though I suspect Salvador Dali would be in the running. Perhaps video games too though I generally don't play them. Mine would be Zelda: Ocarina of Time. And there are, of course, many other important qualities such as personality, clothes, and whether or not he prefers gin to vodka. Anyway, prove me wrong, if you know a gay man with these exact same interests, I need to know. What would be your personal selections?